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Alphius
Peanut
Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 2429
Location: Grand Mound
1984 Chevrolet Camaro Z/28
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 Posted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 8:07 pm Post subject: High Speed Handling Characteristics of Pickup Trucks |
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This is pretty funny if you have some extra time to read it.
It won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it, 'cause I'm well aware that it's a s**t ton of text. 
| Quote: | I'm an experienced pickup truck driver. I was driving my pickup the other Saturday night after having - as I made very clear to the police - hardly anything to drink and while going - honest, officer - about thirty miles an hour when, I swear, a deer ran into the road, and I was forced to pull of the highway with such abruptness that it took the wrecker crew six hours to get my truck out of the woods.
An experienced pickup truck driver is a person who's wrecked one. An inexperienced pickup truck driver is a person who's about to wreck one. A very inexperienced pickup truck driver doesn't even own a pickup but will probably be mistaken for a wild antelope by people jack-lighting pronghorns in somebody else's pickup truck. The foremost high-speed-handling characteristic of pickup trucks is the remarkably high speed with which they head from wherever you are directly into trouble. This has to do with beer. The minute you get in a pickup you want a beer. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but personally I blame it on Jimmy Carter having been President.
You see, everyone in America has always wanted to be a redneck. That's why all those wig-and-knicker colonial guys moved to Kentucky with Davy Crockett even before he got his TV show. And witness aristocratic young Theodore Roosevelt's attempt to be a "rough rider." Even Henry James used the same last name as his peckerwood cousin Jesse. And as Henry James would tell you, if anyone read him anymore and also if he were still alive, the single most prominent distinguishing feature of the redneck is t hat he drives a pickup truck. This explains why all of us are muscling these things around downtown Minneapolis and Cincinnati.
You may be wondering where Jimmy Carter comes in. Well, Jimmy Carter was a redneck just like we're all trying to be, but he was a sober redneck. Most of us had never seen a sober redneck, and we have the Reagan landslide to testify that none of us ev er want to see one again. It was a horrifying apparition. And ever since Jimmy Carter all of us rednecks have had to be very careful to be drunk rednecks lest we turn into some kind of awful creature with big buck teeth and a State Department fu ll of human-rights yahoos.
Thus the pickup truck has become the world's only beer-guided motor vehicle. Let's examine one unit of this guidance system. Let's examine another. Let's examine the whole six-pack. Now let's drive over and see if any ducks have come in on Hodge Po nd. Whooops! Crash! Forgot the camper back wasn't bolted down.
The Pickup: Design and Engineering
A pickup is basically a back porch with an engine attached. Both a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer because you can always take a leak standing up from either. Pickup trucks are generally a little faster downhill than back porche s, with the exception of certain California back porches during mudslide season. But back porches get better gas mileage.
Another important difference between back porches and pickup trucks is the suspension systems. Back porches are most often seated firmly on the ground by means of cement-block foundations. Nothing nearly that sophisticated is used in pickup trucks. The front suspension of a modern pickup truck is fully independent. Each wheel is independently bolted right to the frame. The rear suspension is a live axle usually attached by a rope to someone else's bumper while he tries to pull you out of the woods .
This suspension design is ideal for use in conjunction with the pickup's 100 percent front/0 percent rear weight distribution. This weight distribution is achieved through engine placement. The engine is place just where you'd place it on a back porc h - hanging off one end so you can get under it and take a look at the giant dent in the oil pan you got when you ran over the patio furniture last night.
Theoretically such forward-weight bias should cause gross understeer. But everyone involved with pickup trucks is whooping it up too much to have any grasp of theory, so the forward-weight bias causes oversteer instead. What happens to an unloaded pi ckup truck in a curve is that the rear end has nothing to do - is unemployed, metaphorically speaking - so it comes around to ask you for work, up there in the front of the truck where all the weight is. And the result is exactly like one of those revolv ing restaurants that they have on hotels except it's on four bald snow tires instead of a hotel, and it's in the middle of the highway, and it tips over.
In order to correct this handling problem, the pickup's load bed is filled with leaf mulch, garden loam, hundred-pound bags of dog food, two snowmobiles, half a cord of birch logs, your son's Cub Scout pack, and a used refrigerator to put beer in out o n the back porch. The result is an adjusted weight bias of 0 percent front/100 percent rear that causes a handling problem different from either understeer or oversteer, which is no steering at all because the front wheels aren't touching the ground.
The same kind of thinking that went into pickup truck suspension design has also been applied to the pickup engine, which is basically the same device Jim Watt was using to pump water out of coal mines in 1810 except that, in accordance with recent EPA ruling, a hanky soaked in Pinsol has been stuffed into each cylinder to cut down on exhaust emissions. There are three types of pickup truck engines: the six-cylinder engine, which does not have enough cylinders; the eight-cylinder engine, which has to o many; and the four-cylinder engine, which is found in "mini pickups" driven by people who thing John Denver is the right kind of redneck to be and believe they can talk to whales. The less said about four-cylinder engines the better. But all these eng ines have a common fault in that they continue to run after the ignition has been switched off, a phenomenon known as "dieseling." Engines that actually are diesels have been introduced for pickup trucks and they rectify this problem by not starting in t he first place.
It doesn't matter. The real power for pickup trucks is generated inside the gearbox, or at least it seems to be because it's so noisy in there. And if it isn't, it soon will be after you get blotto and start shifting without the clutch.
There are usually five gears in a pickup. One is a mystery gear which is illustrated on the shift knob but cannot be found. Then there is first gear, which is good for getting stuck in the woods. When you aren't stuck in the woods it's good for yank ing your bumper off while trying to help a friend who owns a pickup when he's stuck in the woods. First gear has a top speed of three. Third gear has a slightly higher top speed but you can't climb a speed bump without downshifting and the truc k still only gets eight mpg. It is not known exactly what third gear is for. All normal pickup truck driving is done in second. Pickups also have a reverse gear, which is good for getting more completely stuck in the woods than first gear can do alone.
Because pickup trucks get stuck in the woods so often, four-wheel drive has become a popular option. The four-wheel-drive feature is either operated by a lever which fails to put the truck in 4WD or by a lever which fails to take it out. Four-wheel d rive allows you to mire four wheels axle-deep in the woods instead of just two.
Perhaps the most novel aspect to pickup truck engineering is that pickups have no brakes. True, there's a parking brake which, if you set it, allows you to let your driverless pickup roll downhill into a busy intersection with a clear conscience. And there is a brake pedal, but stepping on it only produces a poignant desire for one more beer before you crash into the woods, but sometimes the spare tire, which hangs down behind the bumper in the back, will fall partly out of its mounting and produce d rag force. And very often a pickup will run out of gas and coast to a stop. And right in front of a bar, too - according to what you told your wife.
That just goes to show how thoroughgoing the relationship is between pickups and drinking. I mean it sure looks like these things were designed by people who'd been drinking. And the level of finish indicates they were built by people who'd been drin king. It only stands to reason they should be driven by people like us who are half in the bag. As a result, the most popular pickup truck performance modification is - you guessed it - having a drink. For instance, at sixty miles an hour take a tight turn and notice that if you hadn't been tight you never would have taken that turn in the first place. Now you call a wrecker and I'll go get some tall ones.
Driving Technique
Driving a pickup at high speed is a difficult skill to master. The first step is to assume the proper driving position: Use one hand to firmly grasp the drip rail on the roof. This takes the place of shoulder harness, lap belt, and air bag and lets you give the finger to people with anti-handgun bumper stickers on their cars. Then place you r other hand on the gearshift knob so you'll always know what gear you're in (which is second, as I pointed out before). Now take your third hand...Perhaps som e picture of the difficulty is beginning to emerge. Anyway, be sure to balance your beer can carefully in your lap.
The second step is to drive over to the 7-Eleven and get more beer. Use your down vest to mop up the one you spilled all over your crotch as you backed out the driveway.
The third step is cornering technique. There are three ways to take a high-speed curve in a pickup. The first way is to use the traditional racecar driver's "late apex": Go deep into the curve at full speed doing all your downshifting and useless br ake-pedal pumping in a straight line. Then, in one smooth motion, turn the wheel to the full extent necessary for the curve. Aim for an apex slightly past the geometrical apex of the inside edge of the curve and slowly bring the steering wheel back to s traight ahead as you reapply the throttle. This will put your truck into the woods. The second way to take a fast curve is to come into the curve slightly slower, dial in a greater amount of steering, and stay on the throttle so as to propel the truck i nto a "power slide." This will put your truck in the woods too. The third method is to come to a full stop before entering the curve and have a beer. While you're doing that someone else will come along in another pickup truck and knock you into the wo ods anyway.
Now that you've wrecked a pickup and are an experienced pickup truck driver, it's important to know what to tell the police. Tell them a deer ran into the road. This happens very frequently in the places where we rednecks live, especially when we've been drinking. For example, below are the five most common explanations made to the North Carolina Highway Patrol by drivers who have put their pickup trucks into the woods:
1. A deer ran into the road.
2. A deer ran into the road.
3. A deer ran into the road.
4. A deer ran into the road.
5. I was stopped at a stop sign but I had to start up again real fast and run my pickup into the woods because otherwise it would have been smashed by this deer that ran into the road.
Purchase, Repair, and Maintenance of the High-Performance Pickup Truck
If, however, you still haven't wrecked a pickup truck and are weighing the obvious delights of having an opportunity to do so against such considerations as wanting to be a redneck but only having enough money to be middle-class or having a wife who th ought she was marrying a college-educated account executive, here are some points for you to consider. First, how much will a pickup truck cost?
Pickup: $9360.00
Beer: $2.89
Another pickup to replace first one that you wreck: $9360.00
Rabbit for wife, who won't drive truck: $8750.00
TOTAL: $27,472.89
That's a fair piece of change. But on the other hand, pickup trucks are virtually maintenance-free. In fact, all pickup repairs can be done with a long chain. Attach one end of the chain to the pickup truck, drop the other end of the chain on the gr ound, and go buy a real car.
You may also want to know if a pickup truck is truly useful. I'm afraid the answer is yes -- all to much so. But, when all is said and done, it really would have looked silly at the end of Easy Rider if Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper had been shot by a couple of guys in a Fiat Brava. And what's life for if you never get a chance to shoot the likes of Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper? Besides, you'll never really appreciate the profound and astonishing beauties of nature if you don't get stuck in the woods now and then. And you won't appreciate them half as much if you don't have a lot of beer along. |
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84 Camaro Z28 - LS1/T56
85 Silverado - Low and Slow |
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aaron_sK
Member
Joined: 23 Jan 2006
Posts: 8834
Location: Back in beautiful Tacompton
1987 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z
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| Posted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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Gabe, what are you talking about? You don't own a pickup truck. You own a commuter car with an identity crisis and a stuck transfer case.
Come to think of it, it's probably a good thing you moved up North, because for awhile there I think you were the only man between Tumwater and Kelso who didn't actually own a truck of some sort.
Also, please note that driving with one hand out the window and one hand on the shifter (or resting on but not holding the steering wheel if you have an automatic), is the correct driving position for all vehicles. |
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TurdGen1989
Member
Joined: 30 Aug 2009
Posts: 472
Location: Roseburg,OR
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| Posted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:03 pm Post subject: |
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lol.. that episode of top gear in your avatar I lol'd so hard when he was driving that little car!
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Phil.
GMC High Sierra
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RSFreak
The other "John"
Joined: 23 Jan 2004
Posts: 2946
Location: Renton
1989 Chevrolet Camaro RS
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| Posted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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"A pickup is basically a back porch with an engine attached. Both a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer because you can always take a leak standing up from either." 
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'86 Trans Am - 5.0L TPI - LT1 cam - 700R4 - WS6
'85 Camaro Berlinetta - IROC clone
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Alphius
Peanut
Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 2429
Location: Grand Mound
1984 Chevrolet Camaro Z/28
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 9:13 am Post subject: |
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| aaron_sK wrote: | Gabe, what are you talking about? You don't own a pickup truck. You own a commuter car with an identity crisis and a stuck transfer case.
Come to think of it, it's probably a good thing you moved up North, because for awhile there I think you were the only man between Tumwater and Kelso who didn't actually own a truck of some sort.
Also, please note that driving with one hand out the window and one hand on the shifter (or resting on but not holding the steering wheel if you have an automatic), is the correct driving position for all vehicles. |
Well yes, but I have owned pickup trucks in the past. Umm, actually just a pickup truck, but who's counting? And it was kind of a mini-unibody-truck with a 4-banger. Crap, should have stopped talking already.
Is a Jeep Comanche really a real truck? Important questions here. At least it was made by an Amuhrican company. 
| TurdGen1989 wrote: | | lol.. that episode of top gear in your avatar I lol'd so hard when he was driving that little car! |
Man, I'm glad someone else here watches Top Gear. I literally laughed out loud for most of that episode. Especially when he rolls into the Reliant club meeting. Good stuff. 
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84 Camaro Z28 - LS1/T56
85 Silverado - Low and Slow |
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aaron_sK
Member
Joined: 23 Jan 2006
Posts: 8834
Location: Back in beautiful Tacompton
1987 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Alphius wrote: | | Is a Jeep Comanche really a real truck? |
Ehh... 
Apparently even Jeep didn't think it was a truck:
Apparently being tough, reliable, and able to pull loads was just too damn "easy." |
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IROCDave
Member
Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 957
Location: Snohomish WA
1987 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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Maybe I am in the minority, but this poke to the gut of what actually makes the US better than any other nation pisses me off.
Rant in full swing.
Everyone I know uses their truck for what it is intended, designed and engineered for. Towing, hualing heavy stuff and off roading. Maybe I live in a " special part" of the country?
Between my circle of freinds, family and myself, we all look at our trucks as appliances and dont think twice about testing two fold the limits of the adverstised capabilites. Being in construction, I really on a minimum 3-1 safety ratio and have loaded / towed with every Chevy truck I have owned / driven with this in mind. I have loaded 2 tons in the back of my 2003 2500 HD several times, and my last heavey 1/2 ton ( 1998) saw 2K plus several times. I sold that truck to my youngest brother 5 years ago with 150K on the odo. It pooped out on him last weekend, I replaced the fuel pump and it is back on the road. With over 200K on all of the original drivet train it still gets the same 16.5 MPG intown and 19MPG on the highway.
Some piss ant yuppy from England who has never sweated for a living cannot understand how these things are used and what is expected of them. If I could meet this idiot in person he would be a changed person. I would love to see some highly praised EU " truck" stand up to what happens to trucks in construction in the US.
Rant off. |
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turbo_jimi
Member
Joined: 23 Feb 2004
Posts: 1206
Location: Tacoma
1985 Chevrolet Camaro Z/28
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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| RSFreak wrote: | | "A pickup is basically a back porch with an engine attached. Both a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer because you can always take a leak standing up from either." |
i remember drinking a few in the back of my truck back in the day
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1985 Z28 Crate 350, Hurst T-5, 3.23s, Flowmaster Under previous set-up: 143.82 rwhp 216.98 lbs. torque @4390 rpms 3/12/11 |
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IROCDave
Member
Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 957
Location: Snohomish WA
1987 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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To the original poster, the thread may have been funny to people who dont own / rely on trucks. But to those of us that do and use them for part of our living and give a shizzle about the US manufacturing base it isnt.
Sorry, I am sensitive to euro trash not understanding that US built usually means durable and at a fair price.
The qouted article mentions the replacement price of the wrecked truck compared to the beer. I wonder if the moron that autored this BS understands what a loaded US made Deisel truck costs? My 03 Chevy stickered for 49K when new.
GM diesel trucks seem to be holding their value, wonder what a similar priced BMW or Mercedes goes for with the same miles used after 5 years? I would put hard cash on the GM deisel holding it's value better.... |
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flea
Member
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 1246
Location: Raymond WA
1991 Chevrolet Camaro RS
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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Does BMW or Mercedes even make a diesel pick up truck?
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IROCDave
Member
Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 957
Location: Snohomish WA
1987 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 7:57 pm Post subject: |
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| flea wrote: | | Does BMW or Mercedes even make a diesel pick up truck? |
No they dont, I was refering to the MSRP of ANY vehicle they sold compared to a GM deisel truck of the same vintage. |
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aaron_sK
Member
Joined: 23 Jan 2006
Posts: 8834
Location: Back in beautiful Tacompton
1987 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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The Dura's definitely do seem to be holding their value, especially since the later Strokes are such garbage.
Realistically though any diesel truck will be worth a lot more, even an old beater like mine, just because of longevity and usefulness. |
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Al Hasse
Member
Joined: 19 Nov 2005
Posts: 4379
Location: Bremerton, WA
1992 Chevrolet Camaro RS
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turbo_jimi
Member
Joined: 23 Feb 2004
Posts: 1206
Location: Tacoma
1985 Chevrolet Camaro Z/28
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 8:16 pm Post subject: |
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There is a Unimog club in the US...only found that out when looking for a crane fuel filter.
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1985 Z28 Crate 350, Hurst T-5, 3.23s, Flowmaster Under previous set-up: 143.82 rwhp 216.98 lbs. torque @4390 rpms 3/12/11 |
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flea
Member
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 1246
Location: Raymond WA
1991 Chevrolet Camaro RS
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Alphius
Peanut
Joined: 05 Sep 2006
Posts: 2429
Location: Grand Mound
1984 Chevrolet Camaro Z/28
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| Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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Man, I'm sorry that offended you.
The article is really not intended to be taken seriously. I have the same mindset you do about the value and merits of pickup trucks. I really was not trying to disparage trucks or cause anyone to be annoyed.
It's just satirical humor about rednecks, beer and pickup trucks. Where I grew up, this is applicable more often than not.
I absolutely loved driving my friend's '09 2500HD Duramax/Allison. That is a sweet truck. Towed a load with it too.
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84 Camaro Z28 - LS1/T56
85 Silverado - Low and Slow |
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RSFreak
The other "John"
Joined: 23 Jan 2004
Posts: 2946
Location: Renton
1989 Chevrolet Camaro RS
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| Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 12:08 am Post subject: |
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| turbo_jimi wrote: | | RSFreak wrote: | | "A pickup is basically a back porch with an engine attached. Both a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer because you can always take a leak standing up from either." |
i remember drinking a few in the back of my truck back in the day |
Ahh, good times!  |
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iansane
Member
Joined: 16 Jan 2004
Posts: 5742
Location: Bothell
1991 Pontiac Trans Am
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| Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 1:09 am Post subject: |
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| Alphius wrote: | | I absolutely loved driving my friend's '09 2500HD Duramax/Allison. That is a sweet truck. Towed a load with it too. |
My stepdad has an '07 CC/SB with the dirtymax. Mucho nice truck. Wouldn't mind it as a foul weather rig at all. Aside from the HORRIBLE fuel mileage. 12-13mpg.
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| Quote: | | Sometimes I actually think I'm slightly retarded in the mouth. |
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aaron_sK
Member
Joined: 23 Jan 2006
Posts: 8834
Location: Back in beautiful Tacompton
1987 Chevrolet Camaro IROC-Z
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| Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 6:45 am Post subject: |
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| iansane wrote: | | Aside from the HORRIBLE fuel mileage. 12-13mpg. |
Is that only the newer emissions Duras, or is it all of them?
Cause sheeet, my six-nine does better than that. I'm averaging 14-15, and I hit 16.1 on this last tank. And that's with me driving. |
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iansane
Member
Joined: 16 Jan 2004
Posts: 5742
Location: Bothell
1991 Pontiac Trans Am
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| Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 10:12 am Post subject: |
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| aaron_sK wrote: | | iansane wrote: | | Aside from the HORRIBLE fuel mileage. 12-13mpg. |
Is that only the newer emissions Duras, or is it all of them?
Cause sheeet, my six-nine does better than that. I'm averaging 14-15, and I hit 16.1 on this last tank. And that's with me driving. |
His truck seems to be a factory dog. When I drive I can pull north of 14 on one or two tanks but he only gets 11-12, if that. Supposedly he's talked to others that get in the upper teens but I don't know. He's got the first year of that bodystyle and the first year of the particulate filtered dirtymaxs so who knows how much crap had to be ironed out. |
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